One giant leap...
I have reached yet another parenting milestone. Yet another change in my role as a Mommy, and I am not so sure I am prepared. The emotional see-saw I am riding has found me rising slowly into the air only to be slammed into the ground. It's jarring and disorienting, to say the least...
For the first time in a decade, I find myself at the brink of having no tiny child (under 3 years) and no prospects of a future pregnancy. The acceptance of this fact is quite harder than I had projected. In fact, I am on the verge of a mini-breakdown...
My husband and I are done having children. 3 is a good size. 3 is the size we agreed upon. 3 is definitely a lovely number. But being pregnant and mothering a small baby or child has been the defining characteristic of these past 10 years. Becoming a mommy at 22 (purposely) shaped me into the woman I am today. But releasing this stage and accepting the next one? Diving into my role as a mother of only older children? It's not coming so easily...
Why is this? Is it really because I adore babies and young children so much? Is it really because I have a desire to have another child? Or is it a fear of change? Am I afraid of having to define myself as MYSELF and not as a Mom to little ones?
Obviously, my role as a mom hasn't stopped. In fact, I have more responsibilities now, with 2 school aged kids and an almost 3 year old than I did when my youngest was just a newborn. Babies' needs are basic. Physically exhausting, yes. But handling the pressures of 4th grade report cards, juggling schedules and answering Big Life Questions are exhausting on an emotional level. Knowing that the FIRST 9 years of my son's life has flown by and coping with the NEXT 9 years flying by equally fast? That is ripping me apart inside... They still need me, but not as much as I need them...
And so, I am on the edge. The next stage of my life is just at the bottom of this slope. I just need to take that last step and let the momentum carry me over. But it's hard to see the beauty of the valley when you're having such a marvelous time atop the mountain...
An Original Chicago Mom's Blog post.
Tracey also writes at Just Another Mommy Blog.
